Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
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They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.