flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
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My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.