I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
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A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
You had me at “define legal”.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.