Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I’d use my best pan on you.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.