I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
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Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that