[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.