Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
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*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.