The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
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My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
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So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score