McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
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*puts cutlery down*
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …