“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
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Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I drew y’all a little something.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.