Generation gap…
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The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
the icebreaker
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.