My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
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Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
How much for the goth pool noodles?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped