What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
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Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists