Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
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*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”