My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.