There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
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People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Sign at work today
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.