I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
You Might Also Like
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
absolutely not
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.