[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
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You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up