“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
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Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.