A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Yup.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.