Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
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WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Mornin
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.