Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
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Midwest trash talk
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
podcasts
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now