mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
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Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
This chloroform smells expensiv…
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive