Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
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Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.