It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
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Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm