My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
You Might Also Like
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*