A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
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My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine