“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
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Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.