When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
You Might Also Like
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?