ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm