I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
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me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there