Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
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If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
💻🤡
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.