[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Ken is short for chicken
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE