I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
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Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.