[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.