Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
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I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered