No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
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For the baby who has everything
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Eat…
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Straight people are cancelled
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.