My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
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Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Smells like a challenge to me
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
i dont have time for this
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.