Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
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Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?