I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
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It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?