I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
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Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Some people were born into their job.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
is it earth
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
constantly working on myself.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.