The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
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A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
This was my dad’s browser history.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves