ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
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[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.