YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
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Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
*frowns in Scottish*
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*