“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
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Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise