Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
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Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive