boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
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Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
It was worth a shot 😂
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.