[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
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Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy