yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
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What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Meow
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!