What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
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I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.